Sorry if the title is offensive to anyone! I'm joining a very small group of ladies from church on Wednesday nights. They meet after church and get down and dirty, discussing real problems and issues that we're facing. It's actually the preacher's wife, our worship minister's wife and one other lady. They've been meeting for a little while already, and when I talked to our preacher's wife about some issues I'm facing she extended the invite to me! I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not!!! :) Here's the situation (and before I start, let me warn you...I've been to about six different counselors over the years, so I find it fairly easy to air my dirty laundry).
Let me start by saying that I love my daughter and husband more and more as each day passes. They are the light in a sometimes dark world. They bring me everlasting joy and happiness and I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with them each day. Justin is such an amazing father and husband. I love to see him play with and care for Shelby. They are such an amazing pair!
In spite of this, I am realizing that the devil has his hand around me when it comes to dealing with stress and frustration. I find myself getting angry at stupid things - being five minutes late for church, Shelby getting distracted when I'm trying to feed her, not being able to find something to wear. I am also realizing that I don't have a healthy coping mechanism. Some of you know, but many of you probably don't know, that I dealt with bulimia for almost ten years. It started my sophomore year in high school (1993). God took it from me in 2002. It was such a heavy burden that was lifted. I could finally be an honest person, to myself, my parents, my friends. It had consumed me for so long that I had to actually find myself all over again. Unfortunately, the one thing I didn't find was how to deal with stress. The bulimia started at a time in my life when adult-like issues came about. I had to deal with death, dating (or the lack thereof), college, dating again (a couple of unfortunate relationships). I used binging and purging as my way of dealing with, well basically anything. So now that the bulimia is a part of my past, I'm dealing with adult issues and trying to do so without a healthy way to cope.
All of this being said, let me stress to you that I am not the victim here, and I ask that you not sympathize with me. The true victims are Justin and Shelby. It hasn't happened many times, but when I do get angry...I GET ANGRY. I will literally throw a tantrum...no...a tirade. I'm throwing things, screaming, thrashing through my closet, stomping on the floor, throwing myself onto the bed. It's ugly. And when I look around I see the face of my husband - confused, scared, hurt. And I look again - Shelby. Where is Shelby? Oh thank God she is not in the room. Oh how I pray she never sees me get this upset. I am thankful that I have enough sense to leave the room to dispel this nasty behavior.
Justin and I met with our preacher and his wife to discuss the topic. They are amazing - so truthful and raw. She shared with me how she has issues with anger as well. She let me know that I am not alone, and that I can conquer this with God's grace. It was at this "meeting" that she invited me to take part in the Cut the Crap get-togethers.
I'm not sure what compelled me to write about this. I feel a pull to open myself up and be honest. Maybe as an accountability? Maybe to open the door for future discussion? Definitely for prayers for myself, my husband, my daughter. And as I feel the need to justify to everyone that we are happy, that our marriage is stronger than ever, and that my love for Shelby is indescribable, I'm reminded of how strong the devil's grip is. Pride, too, is a strong emotion.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Hello Beautiful Suzanne!! Let me first start off by saying that i always really looked up to you and all the "high school girls" when i was younger. you know, when you and christine, lori, holly, leilanni, etc.etc. were in high school when audie and amy and i were in junior high or even late elementary? I looked up to you then and i still do now, knowing the struggles you're going through. all the more reason for us to pray for you and our loved ones. anger's a beast. i'm fighting the same battle right now. There's a lot i don't deal with and the little things i do deal with seem so stupid! ha! anyway, i'm praying for you. know that! :)
I have so much respect for you that you are being so open with something that so many of us struggle with. I will definetly be praying for you and your family. Thank you for being so honest!
AND this is why we love you, girl! so honest and real! You are just like me and every girl reading this...its a human thing. We all deal with stress & dissappointment a little differently but it IS so frustrating and its the perfect time for Satan to grab us and run, when we are tired, weak and mad....I try to simply say, outloud "God help me, Satan go away get out of my head, my life and stay away. I love you Jesus...give me strength" and after a few deep breaths its all better...for the most part, it just helps me realize that its not me, its someone controling my anger and making me explode! Hope this helps...You are so strong, a wonderful mommy and a beautiful friend. Justin is a lucky Man!
Thank you to everyone for your love, support and prayers. Thanks for both your comments and phone calls. It means so much to have support from your friends. I love you all so much and miss you beyond what words can say.
Hey cuz! I think your need to write about your struggles is absolutely an urging from the Lord. The things we refuse to confess, the things we think we can hide, are the things that won't heal. I'm sure you know that well after what you have been through before.
Good for you and Justin for seeking wise counsel from your pastor, for joining a group of women (that God has provided) that will give you accountability, and for sharing your struggles with the people who love you. I can see so clearly that the Father is clearing the way and opening doors for healing for you, and an even deeper relationship with both him and your sweet husband.
Hang in there, girl! You are surrounded by prayer.
First - I love the title :-)
Reading through your post I already see the hand of God working in you and His hand is Mighty. I agree with the other comment that the urge to write about your struggle with anger is indeed from the Spirit! The floodgates of prayer over your struggle have now been opened, the enemy does not stand a chance and I am excited to see how God blesses you for your obedience to be vulnerable. It's HARD to be vulnerable - like you said, pride is also a very strong emotion. How tempting it is to keep the pretty smiles on for the world while coming apart on the inside. But I've come to realize that we're ALL coming apart inside at some point and when we open ourselves to others God can use their struggles to help us in our struggles.
You know I've struggled with anxiety/depression. When I finally opened up about that in a prayer group I had about 5 out of the 10 women there tell me that they are struggling or had struggled at some point with that. And through one of those women I found a doctor that got me on the right meds and also a spiritual mentor. My pride really took a hit to confess my struggles - I felt so broken and ashamed. But look what God did. I'm still amazed.
That's not to say that vulnerabilty equals sudden healing. But it's a step and I'm SO proud of you for taking that step. I hate that you are going through this (ok - S and J may be getting the yuckiness of this but you are in the middle of a full-on attack from the enemy. Don't discount that!) and I didn't know that you had struggled with bulimia. I hate that you went through that but I am praising God that He brought you through!
I love you bunches and will be lifting you up in prayer many times a day!!! If there's specific things I can pray for please let me know. Also - different things touch different people but I think "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore is one of the best books I've ever read. I read it during my darkest struggle with anx/dep. One of the best features is in the back there are daily prayers she has compiled from Scripture that you pray aloud - so your own ears hear your own voice proclaiming God.
Ok - this is now the longest comment EVER. Sorry!!!!
Suzanne, I just have to thank you for being so open and honest about this situation. As the others have said, so many people are faced with anger and it affects us all in different ways. I'm so in awe of how the Spirit is working through you to be able to minister to others and how you have already spoken to the heart of all of us. I will be praying for you as you continue your journey.
Post a Comment