I Know He Will Answer

"Lord, I wait for you to help me. Lord my God, I know you will answer." Psalm 38:15

I feel this wholeheartedly. Since my last post I have felt all of your thoughts and prayers...God is listening. He has made me feel empowered and at peace. I know that the battle is not done, that the devil will continue to tempt me and push me close to the edge, but I know my God hears me and pulls me close to Him. I know He is calling me, and I must do my best to hear Him.

Thank you to everyone for your love and support, whether you commented on my post, called, or emailed. Thank you for your prayers and for helping me to see that I'm not alone. It's so easy to want to mask the difficult things in our lives, but I've found that when we are honest with each other we find both support and peace.

I love you all.

Cut the Crap

Sorry if the title is offensive to anyone! I'm joining a very small group of ladies from church on Wednesday nights. They meet after church and get down and dirty, discussing real problems and issues that we're facing. It's actually the preacher's wife, our worship minister's wife and one other lady. They've been meeting for a little while already, and when I talked to our preacher's wife about some issues I'm facing she extended the invite to me! I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not!!! :) Here's the situation (and before I start, let me warn you...I've been to about six different counselors over the years, so I find it fairly easy to air my dirty laundry).

Let me start by saying that I love my daughter and husband more and more as each day passes. They are the light in a sometimes dark world. They bring me everlasting joy and happiness and I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with them each day. Justin is such an amazing father and husband. I love to see him play with and care for Shelby. They are such an amazing pair!

In spite of this, I am realizing that the devil has his hand around me when it comes to dealing with stress and frustration. I find myself getting angry at stupid things - being five minutes late for church, Shelby getting distracted when I'm trying to feed her, not being able to find something to wear. I am also realizing that I don't have a healthy coping mechanism. Some of you know, but many of you probably don't know, that I dealt with bulimia for almost ten years. It started my sophomore year in high school (1993). God took it from me in 2002. It was such a heavy burden that was lifted. I could finally be an honest person, to myself, my parents, my friends. It had consumed me for so long that I had to actually find myself all over again. Unfortunately, the one thing I didn't find was how to deal with stress. The bulimia started at a time in my life when adult-like issues came about. I had to deal with death, dating (or the lack thereof), college, dating again (a couple of unfortunate relationships). I used binging and purging as my way of dealing with, well basically anything. So now that the bulimia is a part of my past, I'm dealing with adult issues and trying to do so without a healthy way to cope.

All of this being said, let me stress to you that I am not the victim here, and I ask that you not sympathize with me. The true victims are Justin and Shelby. It hasn't happened many times, but when I do get angry...I GET ANGRY. I will literally throw a tantrum...no...a tirade. I'm throwing things, screaming, thrashing through my closet, stomping on the floor, throwing myself onto the bed. It's ugly. And when I look around I see the face of my husband - confused, scared, hurt. And I look again - Shelby. Where is Shelby? Oh thank God she is not in the room. Oh how I pray she never sees me get this upset. I am thankful that I have enough sense to leave the room to dispel this nasty behavior.

Justin and I met with our preacher and his wife to discuss the topic. They are amazing - so truthful and raw. She shared with me how she has issues with anger as well. She let me know that I am not alone, and that I can conquer this with God's grace. It was at this "meeting" that she invited me to take part in the Cut the Crap get-togethers.

I'm not sure what compelled me to write about this. I feel a pull to open myself up and be honest. Maybe as an accountability? Maybe to open the door for future discussion? Definitely for prayers for myself, my husband, my daughter. And as I feel the need to justify to everyone that we are happy, that our marriage is stronger than ever, and that my love for Shelby is indescribable, I'm reminded of how strong the devil's grip is. Pride, too, is a strong emotion.

Signature Shelby Shots

Temporary Relief from the Fall Drought

We finally got some moisture last night and today in the form of one inch of powdery snow! And it's COLD! It's hard to believe that Monday was 75 degrees!

Visit from "Auntie" Christine

My best friend Christine, who I miss beyond what words can express, surprised me last weekend. Justin told me he was going to the airport to pick up our friend Matt, which I completely believed because Matt travels for his work fairly often. The odd thing was that on Wednesday night at church I ran into Matt and asked him about his business trip he was supposedly taking. He told me he was leaving on Thursday evening, flying to Ohio to take a client to lunch on Friday and then flying home Friday evening. I actually said, "that sure is an expensive lunch" and all he could say was, "I just do what I'm told." Anyway, Justin goes to pick up Matt and comes home with Christine!!!!!!!! I just stared at her and said, "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" I kept looking at her and then at Justin, back at her, back at Justin. Needless to say, I was beyond surprised! And I truly needed it.

The night before I had cried to Justin about how much I miss my wonderful childhood friends back in Texas. Moving wasn't too hard, but now that we all have kiddos it's extremely difficult. Why is it so hard for me to make new friends?? My last years of college I really started keeping more guy friends, so now girls have a huge tendency to really tire me!! Of course my lifelong friends have a waiver on the things that annoy me now, so if any of the following statements involve a conversation we've ever had, IT DOESN'T APPLY TO YOU!! :) My good friends can do almost anything and it doesn't bother me, but when it comes to girls I've met post-college, they unfortunately have to be absolutely perfect or I simply get..well...annoyed. Believe me, I'm not proud of it and I wish I could shake this funk I'm in, but it's tough. So, examples of what I can't handle from girls..."what should I wear?" I DON'T CARE!!! "Are you bringing your purse?" Why does that matter?! If you want your purse, bring your purse! "What do you think about my new shoes?" Honestly, nothing. "Do you want to go get coffee?" That depends, will you be there? Then no. "You should go on the women's retreat at church! it's a get-to-know you retreat, with games, snacks and chit chat!!" Just the idea of that wears me out...I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Is there something wrong with me? It's such a catch 20-20 with me. I am upset that I don't have many friends here in Colorado, but when the opportunity shows itself to have a new friendship I tend to either choose not to nurture it or to find something about her that I can't deal with. Am I Chandler???? You know, he always finds things wrong with women, like her head is too big or she laughs funny. Is that me???

This little onesie was embroidered by Christine's husband's mom. It says class of 2029 and it's Maroon for Texas A&M!! I can't believe she'll graduate in 2029. It's so surreal to me.

A sunset, a cold sunrise, and the San Juan Mountains

This picture was taken a week ago today on our ascent of Wetterhorn Peak in the San Juan Mountains, undoubtedly the most beautiful and majestic range in Colorado, and perhaps, in all the world. That could be a stretch, but they are truly breathtaking. To right of the last hiker is Uncompahgre Peak, the 6th highest 14er in Colorado. Despite the warm fall and little snow so far this fall/winter, the San Juans have held far more snow than we predicted. Needless to say, the views were gorgeous. More pictures can be seen at www.flickr.com/photos/dinger

Shelby the Heifer

I know this post is a few weeks late, but as we all know too well, life has gotten away from us. These pictures are better late than never, though. Shelby loved being a cow...the look on her face says it all. Jen, thanks so much for the costume!

A Few Faces from Shelby

What's Up With the Weather?

It was 78 degrees yesterday here in Colorado Springs. When Suzanne fed Shelby this morning at 5:20 am it was snowing and 30 degrees outside. It has been snowing all day and roughly 3 inches has accumulated. If my memory serves me correctly, as it seems to rarely do for Suzanne, this is the earliest we have had accumulating snow in the three years we have been here. I'm sure you don't really care to know that, but I think it's interesting, considering all the talk about global warming these days. Anyways, the snow is beautiful!

A Visit to a Pumpkin Patch

We took Shelby to her first, and coincidentally our first, pumpkin patch. It was a beautiful day and Shelby couldn't have had more fun. She got to ride around the "patch", which was rather bumpy, in a wagon. She was also given the honor of watching over the pumpkins that we selected. She, of course, tried to suck on them. We want to make this a family tradition each October...we'll see!

Link to my Flickr Photos!

I wanted to let you all know that I have a link to my Flickr photo page on the right hand side of our blog page underneath our "friends" section, which is just above the ClusterMap. I'm hoping to update our account to a pro account so I can upload every single picture of Shelby, Suzanne, and I and all the other hundreds of pictures I take so you can see them all! I'll let you know when and if that happens.

New Poll!

Just a quick reminder to vote in our new poll. What is YOUR favorite season of the year? VOTE!

First Significant Snow on The Peak

Well, Pikes Peak finally received its first significant snow of the year this Monday...it was a beautiful sight. It's amazing how snow transforms the beauty of a mountain. Anyways, last year's first big snow on The Peak came in the third week of September, but then it was dry for a few weeks thereafter. It looks like we have a good shot of moisture through the rest of October. I will keep you posted. This picture was taken from my school around 7:15 in the am.

Vote in our poll!

A few days ago we posted our second poll, and like the first poll, we have very few who have responded. So, I thought it would help if I posted a post whenever we have a new poll, so you all know we have posted a new poll. Now that I have confused everyone, VOTE! Our polls are always on the right side of our page under our profile.

Sunrises are for Sissies

I don't believe that sunrises are for sissies...they are clearly for incredibly manly men. Though I have seen relatively few sunrises, Colorado has offered us some of the most breathtaking ones, sunsets too. Fortunately, most days anyways, I am up early enough to see them and I always make sure to have my camera ready. This sunrise shot (1st photo) was taken last Sunday at 5:58 in the morning...in case you were wondering, which I'm sure you weren't. The sunset shot (2nd photo) was taken on August 1 at 7:07 in the p.m....I know you were wondering. The shot is taken looking east towards a strengthening thunderhead, a common sight during the summers here.

Shelby's First Friend

Shelby has made her first friend, her stuffed puppy that we have given the name "Pooch". Pooch always seems to put a smile on her face no matter what is going on. I know, you are probably wondering how I can say that considering the second picture. Pooch had nothing to do with the frustration that Shelby is so proudly displaying...he/she (we haven't figured out yet) is merely being a good friend and standing by her side.

Who Doesn't Like Rice Cereal?!

Shelby enjoyed her first encounter with rice cereal four days ago. She really had a great time touching it, smashing it, spreading it on her face...oh, and a little of it actually went into her mouth. She is doing better and better with each passing day. Maybe someday soon she'll get a teaspoon in her sweet belly. I didn't think I would be able to handle her making a mess with it, but it was so much fun!! I know she needs to explore her little world, and this was one more way to do that. Here are some pictures!

Fall Fun for Everyone

Suzanne, Shelby, Whip, and I took a trip to Cottonwood Pass, which crests at 12,126...it is also on the Continental Divide. The pass is supposed to be one of the great areas of Colorado to see the aspens change, and for the most part, it was beautiful. We may have been a week too early, but most of the trees were already glimmering gold and yellow. I find that it's hard to put into words the beauty of nature. I've come to realize that I'm glad for that, though...I think if I ever get to the point where I can verbalize how nature awes me, it will have lost its magnificence and mystique. Enjoy the pictures...we love you guys!

Shelby Giggles!!!

Bath Time and Bows

I finally downloaded some new pictures from our camera. Like I previously mentioned, Shelby loves her bath time. It is a time that we all look forward to everyday. She loves to stick her feet out of the water and let me pour water on them (see picture). Any chance she gets she sticks her sweet, little feet out of the water and look straight at me (or Justin...whoever is giving her a bath) until we realize what she's asking of us. Then she'll give us a huge smile as she watches the miracle of water spill down upon her feet. She's fascinated with it.




We also got some cute bows from my mom!! They make her look like a little girl and not a baby anymore! It's amazing how fast they grow!! Below are a couple of pictures of her with her bow in her hair.




And finally, I love this little outfit, so here's a picture of her in BLUE!!

Water World

As part of our bedtime routine Shelby takes a bath every night. At first it took some getting use to, but now she loves it. It's the only time she doesn't fuss when you take her clothes off...my baby girls is modest like her mommy! :) The picture below is her chilling out before bath time! She's also been doing this thing where she holds her feet out of the water so that I'll pour water on them! She's so funny. I thought we had a picture of it uploaded to our computer, but we don't. I'll post it next time!

Get Outside!

I continue to be amazed by the diversity of Colorado's geography. Earlier this week I completed a two and a half day backpacking trip into Colorado's Sangre de Cristo Mountains, perhaps the state's most rugged and remote range.

Having hiked 12 of the 54 14ers, I thought I had seen just about all the beauty Colorado had to offer at high altitude. Not that I have tired of the solitude of high mountains vistas, or the deep blues of ancient glacial lakes, or the seemingly endless views you get at 14,000 feet. I guess I expected to see all these things...I knew what they would look like...and I knew they would be beautiful.

As I have found with the other backpacking trips and outings into the wilderness, though, what I saw cannot be described with words...even the best composed photographs will never be able to capture the raw beauty of where I was. Entire books can be written and still not convey to the reader the magnificence of the beauty of our natural world. But blogs are posted, countless pictures are taken, and intimately described adventures are written to spark our imagination, to allow us to be transported to these wild places.

Suzanne, Shelby, and I are blessed to be living in Colorado, in a place whose beauty is world renowned. We are even more blessed to be able to enjoy the beauty with our good eyesight, with our working limbs, and with our healthy, but sometimes messed up, imaginations. The purpose of this post, which has changed just in the last few minutes, is to urge you, the five people that will read this post, to get outside and enjoy the beauty around you! If you think how much time you spend inside the mall shopping, in your home being lazy (which is OK), or just deciding not to go outside, you are missing out on one of the few calming and relaxing avenues we have in our crazy world. Even more important, God didn't design our natural world to be seen only in pictures, described in blogs, and written in books, He created it for us to see ourselves.

So put your Pottery Barn catalog down, your cell phone in the disposal, your makeup in the trash, and the TV clicker under your car tire, and get outside!

Growing Up So Fast!

From top to bottom: (1) Shelby is smiling more and more each day and has almost giggled a few times; (2) The day I thought would never get here...Shelby being able to face forward in the BabyBjorn! She loves being able to look out and see the world! (3) A new favorite thing to do...stare at the little green light on the video camera in her bed. It's almost like she's trying to tell us, "I know you're looking at me, and I'm not tired yet, so come in and play with me!" (4) Today just before taking Whip on his walk...when I got home the BabyBjorn was covered in poop...Shelby's that is.

Child-Care Blues

Today was the first time I've had to drop Shelby off at "day-care". She is going to be staying with a lady (Amy) from church, so that makes it easier, but it definitely wasn't easy. I cried before I left Amy's house, in the car on the way to work, and for about 30 minutes after I got to work. Nothing feels right about leaving your child with someone else. I know that one day God will provide us a way for me to stay home, and until then I will be seeking His comfort and peace. Shelby is in a home where she will be loved, and that's the most important thing. I called a few minutes ago and Amy said that her son, Rylan, held her this morning when he woke up. He was holding her and said, "this feels so good". He's only five!! It's the funniest and sweetest thing I've heard all day! It put a smile on my face, which I truly needed.

The above picture is of Shelby doing "Tummy Time"! She loves her little surf board! She has rolled over for us twice already. The first time I saw her do it I screamed with excitement. It's amazing how the little things can bring us such joy. Justin and I tried putting her to bed without her swaddle Friday night. We watched her on the monitor and were in awe with how easily she put herself to sleep. We commented about how amazing she is. Little did we know that two hours later she would wake up and not truly go back to sleep until a hour and an half later...after we swaddled her! :) So, she's not ready to give up the swaddle yet, and that's fine with us.

The picture here on the right was just sent to me from Amy!! She said that Shelby is having a good time and that her daughter, Kyndal, is having fun with her! She really made my day! I think Shelby may have a little cowlick on the right side of her head! We can't get her hair to lay down!

Where is Shelby?!

I'm sure many of you are wondering where a picture of Shelby is! This is her latest thing. She loves to RELAX! She has been such an easy baby...so far. We are enjoying every second of our new family. Sure there are things that get frustrating from time to time (for Justin it's the darn swaddle). The hardest thing for me is leaving her every morning. No job is worth it in my opinion, but putting food on the table is a priority. Lord willing, one day we'll be in a position for me to stay home.

Shelby has started rubbing her eyes when she gets tired...it's so adorable!!! She seems to be learning something new everyday. She and I love to give Eskimo kisses to each other. I guess you could say it's our little thing. She'll close her eyes, wrinkle up her nose and then give me a big smile when I pull away. She melts my heart. We couldn't be more blessed.

We will do a much better job of posting pictures of our little angel. And I'll make the next post much more entertaining...my creative mind is protesting this morning.

Feline Photography

Cats have always amazed me, especially their eyes. The eyes of any animal, humans included, are almost mesmerizing to me. Somehow, cats have an ability, unlike any other living animal, to tell a story with their eyes without needing to use any other part of their body. At the same time, their eyes can express wonder and mystery, rendering me absolutely amazed and aware that their true nature cannot be understood.

It's no wonder why so many wildlife photographers love to capture images of a lion's eyes. They are not only captivating, but they tell of adventure, they express sadness, they shout fear and anger...they give us a glimpse into the world of the most majestic animal on this planet.

Even in this simple image of Tripod, his eyes tell me how happy he is, how loved he is, and how much he appreciates life. What else is he trying to convey to me? Is he in awe of my extraordinarily good looks? Probably. Does he reciprocate the same respect for me as I do for him? I can't help but think he does. What's fascinating is the communication, solely expressed through our eyes, that is occurring between us, two entirely different species.

On a daily basis, between 3 and 4 o'clock, as the sun's rays create a rectangular sunny spot in our entryway, Tripod will lazily lie down and soak in the warmth. I, naturally, get out my camera and try to capture an image with the perfect lighting, and this was one I happened to capture two days ago. Tripod is a poser, so incredibly photogenic, as it seems most animals (except humans, in particular, me) are, that he almost wants to be able to talk. He doesn't need to though...his eyes tell me all I could possibly hope to understand.