I Know He Will Answer

"Lord, I wait for you to help me. Lord my God, I know you will answer." Psalm 38:15

I feel this wholeheartedly. Since my last post I have felt all of your thoughts and prayers...God is listening. He has made me feel empowered and at peace. I know that the battle is not done, that the devil will continue to tempt me and push me close to the edge, but I know my God hears me and pulls me close to Him. I know He is calling me, and I must do my best to hear Him.

Thank you to everyone for your love and support, whether you commented on my post, called, or emailed. Thank you for your prayers and for helping me to see that I'm not alone. It's so easy to want to mask the difficult things in our lives, but I've found that when we are honest with each other we find both support and peace.

I love you all.

Cut the Crap

Sorry if the title is offensive to anyone! I'm joining a very small group of ladies from church on Wednesday nights. They meet after church and get down and dirty, discussing real problems and issues that we're facing. It's actually the preacher's wife, our worship minister's wife and one other lady. They've been meeting for a little while already, and when I talked to our preacher's wife about some issues I'm facing she extended the invite to me! I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not!!! :) Here's the situation (and before I start, let me warn you...I've been to about six different counselors over the years, so I find it fairly easy to air my dirty laundry).

Let me start by saying that I love my daughter and husband more and more as each day passes. They are the light in a sometimes dark world. They bring me everlasting joy and happiness and I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with them each day. Justin is such an amazing father and husband. I love to see him play with and care for Shelby. They are such an amazing pair!

In spite of this, I am realizing that the devil has his hand around me when it comes to dealing with stress and frustration. I find myself getting angry at stupid things - being five minutes late for church, Shelby getting distracted when I'm trying to feed her, not being able to find something to wear. I am also realizing that I don't have a healthy coping mechanism. Some of you know, but many of you probably don't know, that I dealt with bulimia for almost ten years. It started my sophomore year in high school (1993). God took it from me in 2002. It was such a heavy burden that was lifted. I could finally be an honest person, to myself, my parents, my friends. It had consumed me for so long that I had to actually find myself all over again. Unfortunately, the one thing I didn't find was how to deal with stress. The bulimia started at a time in my life when adult-like issues came about. I had to deal with death, dating (or the lack thereof), college, dating again (a couple of unfortunate relationships). I used binging and purging as my way of dealing with, well basically anything. So now that the bulimia is a part of my past, I'm dealing with adult issues and trying to do so without a healthy way to cope.

All of this being said, let me stress to you that I am not the victim here, and I ask that you not sympathize with me. The true victims are Justin and Shelby. It hasn't happened many times, but when I do get angry...I GET ANGRY. I will literally throw a tantrum...no...a tirade. I'm throwing things, screaming, thrashing through my closet, stomping on the floor, throwing myself onto the bed. It's ugly. And when I look around I see the face of my husband - confused, scared, hurt. And I look again - Shelby. Where is Shelby? Oh thank God she is not in the room. Oh how I pray she never sees me get this upset. I am thankful that I have enough sense to leave the room to dispel this nasty behavior.

Justin and I met with our preacher and his wife to discuss the topic. They are amazing - so truthful and raw. She shared with me how she has issues with anger as well. She let me know that I am not alone, and that I can conquer this with God's grace. It was at this "meeting" that she invited me to take part in the Cut the Crap get-togethers.

I'm not sure what compelled me to write about this. I feel a pull to open myself up and be honest. Maybe as an accountability? Maybe to open the door for future discussion? Definitely for prayers for myself, my husband, my daughter. And as I feel the need to justify to everyone that we are happy, that our marriage is stronger than ever, and that my love for Shelby is indescribable, I'm reminded of how strong the devil's grip is. Pride, too, is a strong emotion.

Signature Shelby Shots

Temporary Relief from the Fall Drought

We finally got some moisture last night and today in the form of one inch of powdery snow! And it's COLD! It's hard to believe that Monday was 75 degrees!

Visit from "Auntie" Christine

My best friend Christine, who I miss beyond what words can express, surprised me last weekend. Justin told me he was going to the airport to pick up our friend Matt, which I completely believed because Matt travels for his work fairly often. The odd thing was that on Wednesday night at church I ran into Matt and asked him about his business trip he was supposedly taking. He told me he was leaving on Thursday evening, flying to Ohio to take a client to lunch on Friday and then flying home Friday evening. I actually said, "that sure is an expensive lunch" and all he could say was, "I just do what I'm told." Anyway, Justin goes to pick up Matt and comes home with Christine!!!!!!!! I just stared at her and said, "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" I kept looking at her and then at Justin, back at her, back at Justin. Needless to say, I was beyond surprised! And I truly needed it.

The night before I had cried to Justin about how much I miss my wonderful childhood friends back in Texas. Moving wasn't too hard, but now that we all have kiddos it's extremely difficult. Why is it so hard for me to make new friends?? My last years of college I really started keeping more guy friends, so now girls have a huge tendency to really tire me!! Of course my lifelong friends have a waiver on the things that annoy me now, so if any of the following statements involve a conversation we've ever had, IT DOESN'T APPLY TO YOU!! :) My good friends can do almost anything and it doesn't bother me, but when it comes to girls I've met post-college, they unfortunately have to be absolutely perfect or I simply get..well...annoyed. Believe me, I'm not proud of it and I wish I could shake this funk I'm in, but it's tough. So, examples of what I can't handle from girls..."what should I wear?" I DON'T CARE!!! "Are you bringing your purse?" Why does that matter?! If you want your purse, bring your purse! "What do you think about my new shoes?" Honestly, nothing. "Do you want to go get coffee?" That depends, will you be there? Then no. "You should go on the women's retreat at church! it's a get-to-know you retreat, with games, snacks and chit chat!!" Just the idea of that wears me out...I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Is there something wrong with me? It's such a catch 20-20 with me. I am upset that I don't have many friends here in Colorado, but when the opportunity shows itself to have a new friendship I tend to either choose not to nurture it or to find something about her that I can't deal with. Am I Chandler???? You know, he always finds things wrong with women, like her head is too big or she laughs funny. Is that me???

This little onesie was embroidered by Christine's husband's mom. It says class of 2029 and it's Maroon for Texas A&M!! I can't believe she'll graduate in 2029. It's so surreal to me.

A sunset, a cold sunrise, and the San Juan Mountains

This picture was taken a week ago today on our ascent of Wetterhorn Peak in the San Juan Mountains, undoubtedly the most beautiful and majestic range in Colorado, and perhaps, in all the world. That could be a stretch, but they are truly breathtaking. To right of the last hiker is Uncompahgre Peak, the 6th highest 14er in Colorado. Despite the warm fall and little snow so far this fall/winter, the San Juans have held far more snow than we predicted. Needless to say, the views were gorgeous. More pictures can be seen at www.flickr.com/photos/dinger

Shelby the Heifer

I know this post is a few weeks late, but as we all know too well, life has gotten away from us. These pictures are better late than never, though. Shelby loved being a cow...the look on her face says it all. Jen, thanks so much for the costume!

A Few Faces from Shelby

What's Up With the Weather?

It was 78 degrees yesterday here in Colorado Springs. When Suzanne fed Shelby this morning at 5:20 am it was snowing and 30 degrees outside. It has been snowing all day and roughly 3 inches has accumulated. If my memory serves me correctly, as it seems to rarely do for Suzanne, this is the earliest we have had accumulating snow in the three years we have been here. I'm sure you don't really care to know that, but I think it's interesting, considering all the talk about global warming these days. Anyways, the snow is beautiful!

A Visit to a Pumpkin Patch

We took Shelby to her first, and coincidentally our first, pumpkin patch. It was a beautiful day and Shelby couldn't have had more fun. She got to ride around the "patch", which was rather bumpy, in a wagon. She was also given the honor of watching over the pumpkins that we selected. She, of course, tried to suck on them. We want to make this a family tradition each October...we'll see!

Link to my Flickr Photos!

I wanted to let you all know that I have a link to my Flickr photo page on the right hand side of our blog page underneath our "friends" section, which is just above the ClusterMap. I'm hoping to update our account to a pro account so I can upload every single picture of Shelby, Suzanne, and I and all the other hundreds of pictures I take so you can see them all! I'll let you know when and if that happens.

New Poll!

Just a quick reminder to vote in our new poll. What is YOUR favorite season of the year? VOTE!

First Significant Snow on The Peak

Well, Pikes Peak finally received its first significant snow of the year this Monday...it was a beautiful sight. It's amazing how snow transforms the beauty of a mountain. Anyways, last year's first big snow on The Peak came in the third week of September, but then it was dry for a few weeks thereafter. It looks like we have a good shot of moisture through the rest of October. I will keep you posted. This picture was taken from my school around 7:15 in the am.

Vote in our poll!

A few days ago we posted our second poll, and like the first poll, we have very few who have responded. So, I thought it would help if I posted a post whenever we have a new poll, so you all know we have posted a new poll. Now that I have confused everyone, VOTE! Our polls are always on the right side of our page under our profile.

Sunrises are for Sissies

I don't believe that sunrises are for sissies...they are clearly for incredibly manly men. Though I have seen relatively few sunrises, Colorado has offered us some of the most breathtaking ones, sunsets too. Fortunately, most days anyways, I am up early enough to see them and I always make sure to have my camera ready. This sunrise shot (1st photo) was taken last Sunday at 5:58 in the morning...in case you were wondering, which I'm sure you weren't. The sunset shot (2nd photo) was taken on August 1 at 7:07 in the p.m....I know you were wondering. The shot is taken looking east towards a strengthening thunderhead, a common sight during the summers here.